I once met a man at a MUNI stop in San Francisco. He shared the simple concept of asking yourself if you are operating from obligation or free choice. When obligation rules, it’s time to take a deeper look. In this case, the choice was remarkably easy. For me, it seems that the decision was in process long before I knew — and long before I made it. I too hope she can find peace and move on. Even if in her mind I have to become mean and evil. That carries no weight for me at this point, and (this may seem strange) I hold that space for her with love. 🙂

Thanks again for your gentle and compassionate words. Blue sky and cold here too. Hugs back atcha. Enjoy! ~ R

Dear RonnieAnn,

I am sorry about how it all unraveled with your friend. It must be painful for both of you. At some point of our lives or another, we all find ourselves in a relationship that ran its course. It may have began with the best intentions and given us much joy but ended up in bitterness and deep sadness. I guess that’s how we learn, by doing.

Relationships of any kind do not come with a map but there are signs along the way. Tolerating toxic behaviors and being “nice” when we’d rather set some kind of boundary or redefine the relationship, almost always ends in disaster. We keep going until one day, utter exhaustion sets in and we can’t take another step. It’s at that moment that both parties have a choice to make. Do we reflect, acknowledge responsibility, change our ways, and regroup, or do we take the time and space to individually do our work?

I am happy to hear that you finally followed your instincts and gave yourself the time and space you needed. You felt the weight lifting in silence. You exhaled and found relief. These were all signs that you did the right thing for yourself. At some point, maybe the two of you could have come together to speak your truth but obviously this wasn’t the case. It’s ok. Trust the process. One day you’ll look back and see how valuable and defining this experience has been for you. I wish the same for your old friend too.

I hope you feel better this morning. As I’m writing this, I look outside and see blue, sunny skies. It’s cold and it’s beautiful.

Thank you for visiting and sharing. Always a pleasure talking with you.

Big hugs,

Y.

Today she wrote telling me off and sometimes screaming at me in email caps. She said if I wanted to end the friendship, I should have the “balls” to do so. For reasons I’ll spare you and with her email as an extra reminder, today I did. It just felt right. Finding your post just now was the perfect added nod from the universe — well, and from you. 🙂

Wishing you all good things. ~ R

Among other things:-)

This is for you and Babs and everyone who happens to see it:-)
Enjoy!
http://www.drnorthrup.com/blog/2014/08/when-relationships-no-longer-work

You two are funny . . . Nanny Cam:-) My superpowers do not include omnipresence:-) These symptoms are shared by many, as you know.
The question is how much longer is Babs willing to feel this way? I just hope that she doesn’t wait too long before she asks for help.
Asking for help doesn’t make us weak. It makes us smart and wise.
I’m happy to hear your trip to Vermont was a success. Looking forward to hearing the juicy details:-)
Much love to you both.
Y.

We did do a little creative problem solving to get to Vermont. Good to have the time to think together.
Asking for help is a biggie and your nanny cam friend, Babs, has a hard time with that.
Will keep working at it.
Thanks for responding.
Kathy

Hi Kathy and Babs:-) Thank you for the great question. The first answer that comes to mind is, “Why does it have to be conflict? How can we take good care of ourselves and care for those who need us?”

Like you say Kathy, it’s always good to follow the signs. A growing sense of irritation, dissatisfaction, and resentment. Physical symptoms such as lack of energy, headaches, not sleeping well, feeling tired more often than not, etc.
Once you notice, you can ask. “What’s going on? What are these feelings / symptoms telling me? What do I need to do for myself?”
For instance, you may tend to identify with the “caretaker” in you and you’ve lost sight of who you are outside of this role. You may have put your personal needs in the back burner for so long that you don’t even know where to start. As a result, taking care of others prevents you from taking care of yourself.

Then, you begin to notice that your health and peace of mind begin to unravel. Ideally, you don’t want to get to that point. Even so, it’s never too late to make different choices.
Ask yourself . . . How much of what I do needs to be done by me? How can I empower others to take responsibility?
Who can help me out? What are the resources available to me?

As you can see, it’s not about resolving a conflict or making the choice between you or the people you care for. It’s about using your creative problem solving skills and being willing to change your ways. It’s about asking for help, building a support system, and making different choices.

It’s also about standing your ground and being willing to stand up to the perfectionist in you. There is more than one way to get things done.

Hope this answers your question.

Thanks for stopping by. Hugs. Y.

Good morning Linda,
Thank you for making the distinction between knowing and acting. As you say, self-care is about being consistent and deliberate. We have to do something every day, big or small it doesn’t matter. I love your list of how you care for yourself and keep your river flowing. I see a part II coming:-)
xoxo